Before The Book Exists
5 min read
I've been notorious for starting side projects I can't finish. I begin with the best of intentions and resources, but I'm not too proud to admit that I don't follow through. A couple of months ago, I wrote an article about procrastination and creative people, and why we are the way we are with our projects. It felt more like a letter to myself; like a delusional friend that's saying, “it's okay, it's just who you are."
But today, I am writing this because I want to document how I'm feeling about a personal project that I actually finished. I set out to write a book a couple of years ago. Every new year, I outlined 3 goals in January, one of which was always: Write & Publish My Book. It's not that I didn't try; I really did.
But a few weeks in, I'd take a break and forget about it. Or some days I'd read a few pages and think to myself, “Who's going to want to read this anyway?" Some days I'd get very overwhelmed (PS: my book is about the grief of losing a parent) with all the emotions the writing would have me experience, and I'd throw my hands up in exasperation and say, “There's no way I can keep feeling this; it's time to stop."
So I guess you understand where I'm coming from when I say I actually finished writing the book. Hang on, it's not like I have a publisher or even a book cover, but I have a final manuscript, and it's one I'm really proud of.
Considering how close this work is to my heart, and how so very personal it is, it scares me a little to put it out there. A piece of me, out in the world, for everyone to read and judge and critique? Why am I doing this to myself - ugh. And this held me back for a really long time. But when I voiced this thought to a friend recently, they said I just had to finish writing the book, and that the decision to publish or not is something I could arrive at later. And I realised they were right.
I was so focused on the outcome and everyone's reaction that I was not willing to put in the work at all. It's almost as if I had already decided what would happen in the future to get myself out of what I had to do. The outcome over the process. And so I started working on what I knew to do best - the writing. I figured that the rest of it (publishing, printing, marketing, blah blah) would eventually fall into place because, well, the universe loves me.
I set time aside to write uninterrupted. I stopped relying on motivation and forced myself to drive to one of my favourite cafes, sip on coffee, open my laptop, and write. Romanticising the process helps a lot, by the way. I also set an imaginary deadline in my head that felt like a non-negotiable. One of my closest friends is moving to another country in September, and I told myself I had to do this before she left. Holding that finished and printed book in my hand is something I want to experience with her by my side.
And voila, today I have an almost perfect manuscript. I feel good. I feel proud that I showed up. As I started writing this article, I was reminded of the Valencia from Grade 3. She had a book that she'd ‘made & co-authored’ with her two friends, Tamara and Pallabi. I don't know if they remember this, but I'd convinced them that we could collect articles and pictures from magazines we liked, paste them in this book, and go on to become published authors. Girls, I may have taken a whole other route, but I kind of made it :)
If there's one thing I want to remember, and remind you of too, it is this: if you want to create, go ahead and do it. Don't wait for it to be perfect; don't write yourself off (there are enough critics in your close family to do that); and don't attach yourself to the outcome.
Enjoy the process to that goal. Enjoy the hours at the cafe. Enjoy seeing your words form sentences that actually sound nice. Enjoy the writing.
I still don’t know what will happen to this manuscript. Maybe it’ll sit on my laptop for a while. Maybe it’ll find its way onto a bookshelf somewhere. Maybe someone will read it and see a piece of their own grief in mine. I can’t know any of that yet. What I do know is that, for the first time in a long time, I finished something that mattered deeply to me. And tonight, that feels like a story worth holding on to.
5 min left